Home

My bedroom at home in Beijing has been occupied. I found out when I called Mum a few days ago. She said, "Oh, by the way, one of your cousins, your Dad's cousin's brother's blah blah's daughter, came to Beijing to study her Master degree. We invited her to stay in our home and now she lives in your room..." Mum's this 'by-the-way' really surprised me. I certainly didn't see this coming and didn't know what to say. The memories of my old room have immediately found their all ways back to my head. I liked my room and always like it. It's the room where I was always sitting on my bed and writing my dairy on laptop with the nice soft yellow lights spreading from the head of bed to every corner of the room; it's the room where I liked lying on the lounge at balcony on a sunny Saturday morning and reading an interesting novel; it's the room where allowed me to be drunk after parties and provided me a place to deal with my hangover on the next day; it's the room that is filled with certain memories with certain people, certain feelings at certain stage of life; it's the room that had me when I was happy, lonely, sad, excited, crying, laughing... and shared all these emotions with me. On the phone, my Mum was still talking, but I couldn't listen. The only thing I could hear was good-bye I was saying in my heart to my favorite room.

I know I might have overreacted. I know it's meaningless to keep my room when I'm only around a few days every year. I know it might be a good thing to have someone at home to give my parents some company when I can't. I know all these stuff, but... I also know that I was a little sad whatsoever.

Home. I don't know since when this word has become a weird word to me and frustrating at the same time. Where is my home? Sydney, the place I'm building my life with the man I love with all my heart, or Beijing, the place I was born and raised in a warm and nice family which has nothing but love?

Some questions don't have to be answered I think. Maybe it's my fate that I always miss something wherever I am. Since I can't do anything about it, I'd better to move on and live with it. So I'm ok, and will be better.

First posted at 11 August 2005